Sur le Moment

Saturday, May 26, 2007

End Of School

Yesterday was my last day of class as a sophomore. The whole week previous felt so anti-climactic, I thought the day would be the same. But as I was walking to school from the bus stop, I got a rush of emotions. I felt all the usual stuff, the sadness of leaving school, happiness for the approaching summer; but I also felt two sort of odd feelings.

The first one felt like riding a giant wave. There is this huge block of time in front of me, and I can do anything that I want with it. It felt like this entire year had been building up for this moment and it was giving me a huge push down the edge of it that would carry me to the end of summer. It felt good but also really intoxicating, and I knew that I probably should try not to feel like this on the most part, because I would most likely get nothing done if I did.

The other feeling that I felt was like a chemical reaction that is an equilibrium. That is to say that it never quite reaches a static state, it keeps changing back and forth depending on the concentration at the time. Now that I'm a junior, I only have two more years left. I have just finished my first two years. I feel like I'm in a state of equilibrium because I can't decide if I'm excited to grow up and go on my own adventures, or if I'm a little bit scared and just want to stay in my own little room with my mom just a wall away from me. I guess I feel both at the same time, which doesn't really make sense because they're opposite feelings.

That's just how life is, I'm coming to realize. Filled with contradictions that you have to sort out for yourself.

There's this guy on YouTube called Deren Brown who is able to manipulate people's mind so that what they think is reality, is just something spoon fed to them by Deren. Here's what one of his video's looks like:



I think that when you choose your reality, no matter if it's different from everybody else, it becomes real for you. Just like in the DB video. The woman believed what DB was doing was real, and so that was her reality. In the book that I'm reading right now, The Science of Getting Rich, it says that there's a "thinking substance" that makes up all existing matter and non-matter, and if you have a thought, and impress the thought into the substance, then the substance will go about making the thought into reality.

I'm going to make my reality perfect and I'm going to do everything that I've ever wanted to do. And I'm not going to be afraid of the future.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Sixtieth post, writing about the sixties




It's the summer of love reunion in SF, 40 years.

I think I'm going to go.

My dad was in the area at the time (stanford) but never took part it in sadly, because he went to football training camp. He later joined the NFL.

My uncle (my dad's best friend) was a big part of it. I read his books and listen to protest music while the movies play over and over again in my head.

It was a great thing to be a part of, I think. I hope I'm a part of something great right now.

Lindsey

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Something Better To Do

Why is it that when you actually have something better to do, you just don't feel like doing it? studying, for instance. The summer is less than a week away and so why on earth do I have to study for stupid finals? I mean, does it really matter on the bigger scale? yes... it probably does, but I honestly do not care at this moment in time when I can nearly grasp my hours of free time.

this is just someone I admire
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

and I decided to share this with you because I am procrasty. That is short for procrastinating.

chocolate rice milk is addicting, beware

So, I haven't written for a while, and I probably shouldn't be writing now seeing as I have finals to study for, but alas, here I am.

I'm reading some interesting books right now, one of which will get me filthy rich. It's called "The Science of Getting Rich" and it seems to be working since I have a record high amount in my savings account....drum roll....fifty dollars! Seriously though, it's a really good book whose title is slightly misleading (when I read the title, I thought, "how shallow"). But it is basically a simplified and scientific approach to all those philosophies exemplified by so many books and movies (i.e. richard bach's books, the matrix, the bible, the teaching of buddah, and so many more).

I'm also reading another Vonnegut book, Breakfast of the Champions. I'm not sure about this one, as I'm only on pg 20 (finals, remember?). My favorite book by him is still Cat's Cradle which is fantabulous.

Another new development is the addiction to chocolate rice milk. It's soo yummy.

and with that I must say farewelll. More later. It will involve my ex-love, my new book, and my insane paddling coach.

and also how to have a hawaiian party!


p.s. movies of the week: shakespeare in love, boondock saints, the last temptation of christ, future of food, and the puffy chair.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Gangsta Blogger

Check this out: fo'shizzle

Friday, May 11, 2007

The Indian Bazaar


Yesterday I got out early from school, which was nice seeing as I woke up at an ungodly hour to go take a math test. My grandpa picked me up in his cream colored Jag, which was also nice. I love his car much more than my dad's inherently beat up and stinky BMW. Grandpa is not afraid to use his speed, either. And he never wears his seat belt. He's notorious!, the Duran Duran song plays in my head. Dangerrrous in a James Bond kind of way. I'm very proud of this fact.

My grandpa is a health freak, and I look up to him because of that. He has good taste in food and mostly buys things from Down To Earth, our local health food store that reeks of patchuli and herbs. But it's cozy. What I love most about my grandpa is that he used to scarf down Whoppers and fries, until he got cancer. As soon as he found out, he researched holistic medicines and changed the way he lived his life, and even though he doesn't have cancer anymore, he still eats his organic health food. It was a positive outcome that came from a usually life wrecking scenario.

So as I slid into the low seat of his racer car, I knew that a spectacular lunch awaited me.

"You hungry?" he asks.
"Yeah definitely, are you?"
"I would say that I am. Do you like Indian food?"
"YESSS!!!"
"I know this good Indian place that's kind of a hole in the wall but...."

I wasn't listening to him because my mind was on the steaming samosas, the coconut curries, and the saffron rice piled high onto my paper plate. I'm very into ethnic food and culture. My room is designed in an Indian style with Krishnu chilling on a shelf, and red and camel colored candles placed among the incense sticks. I also just had a Morrocan 16th birthday party, complete with a belly dancer and a fortune teller. We ate bastillas sprinkled with powdered sugar and cinnamen, and lamb cabobs over couscous. It was magical.

We pull up to the parking lot and walk across the pavement to a small hole in the wall place, just as my grandpa described. But as we near the doors a heavenly smell floats across the hot still air into our awaiting nostrils, making us forget the dingy outer layers of the restaurant.

When we finally are ready to order, I get a chicken plate, which includes seasoned chicken pieces, and two vegetable dishes. I choose coconut curry stir fry, and lentil tomatoe curry over saffron rice. My grandpa got the same. We sat across from each other on a sticky plastic table and dug in with our plastic forks.

While stuffing food into my mouth, I ponder the closeness I feel to this seemingly foreign culture. Never in my life have I been to India. The closest I've gotten was France on one side, and Hong Kong on the other. But despite that, I feel a strange affinity for India as I'm looking at a mass of brightly colored food blending harmoniously together on a unbiodegradable plate in a isolated island in the middle of the Pacific.

I haven't been to half the places on this tiny globe of ours, but I still connect with them. They're not just dots on a map to me. Not just places to memorize for geography. Maybe it's because I've seen thousands of pictures, watched hundreds of movies, and read just as many books about the lives of the people living there. Maybe it's because I have some innate memories rooted from all regions of my gene pool. But maybe it's because we're all human beings, most of us confused, and we've all felt the same feelings, all had similar experiences.

It's like the food on my Indian Bazaar plate. Each dish is distinctly different, made with different spices, all different bright colors; but in essence, they're all made out of the same thing, and each individual flavor ends up mixing together to create a taste that's out of this world.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

First Law Of Thermodynamics

Feeling to thought
Thought to hand
Hand to brush
Brush to paper

1+1=three

My energy cannot
Be created or
Destroyed

Place your hands to my head
Feel the colors pounding
Through my veins

a magic a disease
my talent your unease

Please, please

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Song for the Earth

If I could shake off the pavement
If I could blow away the crops
If I could suck out pollution
Free the mountain tops

I would dance barefoot
on fresh pale green grass
I would sing my heart out
To a crystaline lake of glass

I would laugh, I would cry
I would feel, I would fly

And my soul would spin
To the rotation of the sky

Galapagos



I finished the book Galapagos by Kurt Vonnegut last week, and although it wasn't my favorite of his, it was still insightful and witty. I've talked about Kurt Vonnegut before, and what I said of him still stands: he has a way of knocking through all the lame excuses that we try to build around the (sometimes pathetic) truth. He has a way of writing things so that you see them in an entirely different light.

In Galapagos, the main themes that he seemed to be talking about are technology and our advancing culture, our big brains (this is a phrase that he uses a lot that basically means our intelligence as humans), and futillity of the human race, amoung many. These themes are not new ones to Kurt. It's almost like in every single one of his books, he's trying to show us a message, and although the books are different, the messages are very similar. In reading his books, you feel like an archaeologist digging around, and piecing together a huge image out of millions of little bones.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Growing Up Sucks

Fight with mom. Realized that we are growing apart and it hurts so bad. We used to look through the same point of view, think the same thoughts, but now I'm finding my own path, my own point of view. When my heart tells me something different from what she says, I am so confused. Do I follow my own intuition, my own soul? or do I follow what I've trusted my whole life? Am I crazy by thinking something different? Why am I so stupid?

Thoughts like these are occupying my mind during the time when I need to study. So I wrote a poem that may or may not be horrible. I can't decide. I think I'm coming down with a head cold or something, I'm so out of it.

We were two bodies
That shared one soul
When they cut the cord
Our essence remained whole

I am growing now
Faster and faster each day
A branch has grown and broken
I’m making my own way

The way I make is shaky
New steps to a baby girl
I’m stupid and afraid sometimes
Finding an undiscovered world

I’m so confused about my heart
I think I know but so do you
To follow my own and know
That yours could never be untrue

It’s hard, this second birth
A new world is mine but
There is still a cord between us
And though it hurts, it has to be cut

Thursday, May 3, 2007

My Addiction To Term Papers

I took this great class last year called contemporary issues. My favorite part of the class was the term papers. Oh the heavenly assignment of 5-10 pages. I love (LOVE) writing long papers. You work on it for a month, researching and highlighting and reading books, and then you just sit down and write for five hours straight. When I'm done I feel the engine on my proverbial "Quality" train slow down and just coast to a crawel, and I stick my head out of the window and look at the distances that I traveled. That's the best part. The same thing happens when I do art. I look and look until I feel the image or emotion burning in my mind and I can't do anything until I unleash it on a canvas. Then I go to my mom's art studio (read transformed garage with couches), and sit and paint all day till my back is stiff and my fingers shake. I love the release.
Edit: In AP psychology, we call that "flow". Ugh AP exams next week!!

Here's one of my term papers from last year:
The HIV/AIDS Problem In Sub-Sahara Africa


Acquired immune deficiency syndrome or acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (AIDS) is a collection of symptoms and infections resulting from the specific damage to the immune system caused by the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV). It is thought that AIDS was originated from a viral disease called Simian Immunodeficiency Virus (SIV) that is found in chimpanzees. It eventually crossed species to humans hundreds of years ago (avert.org). The virus was first identified in 1981 when an overwhelming amount of otherwise healthy young men began to succumb to “rare infections” (Oxford Atlas of the World). By 1984, the cause had been traced to the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, which can remain dormant for many years, and sometimes even indefinitely (Oxford Atlas of the World). In 2002, records show that AIDS killed 25 million people worldwide, and another 42 million worldwide were infected with the HIV virus. Thirty million of those infected lived in Africa (Oxford World Atlas). In sub-Sahara Africa, AIDS is the leading cause of death. More than 15 billion people have died from AIDS since it first became a pandemic (avert.org). The spread of this disease in sub-Sahara Africa has been perpetuated by a few root problems such as the population’s continued ignorance about the disease and its transmission (caused by censorship, misinformation, and superstition), and the limited number of health care facilities and trained health care professionals. Although the solutions are complicated and diverse, weeding out the root problems of ignorance and poor health care are essential steps that the government can take towards slowing, and maybe one day stopping the transmission of HIV/AIDS. It is also important for the educated and informed citizens of Africa to make it their responsibility to share accurate information about HIV and its transmission.

Ignorance is one of the major reasons that AIDS continues to spread so rapidly in Africa. If the people don’t understand how HIV is transmitted, then they will continue to engage in the risky behaviors that allow the virus to spread unchecked. The task of getting the information to the population of Africa about how HIV and AIDS are transmitted (i.e. via shared hypodermic needles or through sex without a condom), is one of the first steps necessary to slowing the spread of this virus. Although abstaining from sex altogether is the only way to completely avoid getting HIV, condoms use has been shown to have an effectiveness of about 92% (Planned Parenthood). But in order for the condoms to be effective, men need to use them. In 2001, the average man in sub-Sahara Africa was only using 4.6 condoms per year, while men in countries with the lowest number of AIDS infections were using about 17 condoms per year (avert.org). Although many of the hospitals and clinics in sub-Sahara Africa are trying to distribute condoms to all the tribes, there are several problems that are preventing the men from using them.

In a lecture at the Pacific Club, Honolulu, 2005, a young African law student, June Arunga, spoke about some of the cultural confusion regarding the use of condoms. In a documentary entitled “The Devil’s Footpath”, written by Ms. Arunga, and produced by the Insight TV News, Ltd. for the BBC in 2004, she explores these cultural difficulties in interviews with the tribesmen. According to Ms. Arunga, there are still many tribes all over Africa who continue to practice the traditions of their ancestors, including certain tribal dances, marriages, and the use of witch doctors for medical remedies. But the witch doctors are much more that just tribal doctors, they are also regarded as supernatural, spiritual authorities, and their opinions carry a lot of weight with the tribe. Ms. Arunga learned that 80% of the tribes people would turn to the witch doctor before seeking help from a medical doctor. Ms. Arunga also discovered, after talking with tribes members, that the witch doctors have rituals that are allegedly able to diagnose people with HIV/AIDS. There is also a superstitious procedure that cleanses the AIDS virus from infected tribes members. This procedure costs them $1,600, which more money than they make in three months. Many of the witch doctors in those tribes believe that condoms are evil, and that it is the condom itself that is spreading the disease (The Devils Footpath). The witch doctors are telling the tribes that it is the white people in the hospitals who put the virus on the condoms, in order to infect, and kill the African people. With this kind of misinformation coming from the respected and feared religious leaders of these African tribes is it any wonder that the AIDS pandemic is totally out of control?

In Zambia, they tried to promote the practice of having fewer partners in sex, and using condoms more often. This brought the number of AIDS cases in urban men and women from 28.3% down to 24% (avert.org). This progress would have never happened if people in power (i.e. the president, or the leaders of the AIDS activism) hadn’t started practicing this themselves and promoting the use of condoms. An example of the opposite scenario can be seen in South Africa. The recently impeached Deputy President, Jacob Zuma, and the head of the governments National AIDS Council and the Moral Regeneration Campaign, said in an interview with BBC news that, after having sex with an AIDS-positive woman, he took a shower to “minimize the risk of contracting the disease [AIDS]” (BBC News). As the head of the National AIDS Council, one would expect that Mr. Zuma would know that just taking a shower after sex wasn’t going to minimize his risk of contracting AIDS, and yet this is what he is saying on television. He is himself perpetuating the ignorance that is killing millions of South African people. In a study done by the Oxford World Atlas, it showed that South Africa had the world’s largest number of AIDS infections. And with leadership like Mr. Zuma’s this is hardly a surprise. It is the responsibility of the influential authority figures in Africa to convey a clear, consistent message and example. The multitudes are watching and listening, it is vital that they practice what they preach.

In addition to the cultural misinformation perpetuated by the witch doctor, and the ignorant and irresponsible words and behaviors of AIDS “authorities” in Africa, a new obstacle has been dropped on the path towards AIDS awareness. There is a new censorship code placed on advertisements that will make it difficult to convey, with clarity, the truth about condom use in regard to the prevention of sexually transmitted viruses. The Nigerian Code of Advertising Practice is now going to crack down on advertisements which imply “indecency, or which in any way dramatize, depict, or insinuate a sexual act by use of word, graphics, sound or action” (Irin Plus News). Since condoms are indented for use during sex, the very image of a condom could be “encouraging indecency”. Also, all condom advertisement must carry health warnings (the latex in condoms sometimes cause allergic reactions) and cannot be aired on children’s programs, aired before 8:00 p.m. on radio or television, or displayed on billboards near places of worship, schools and hospitals (Irin Plus News). These new provisions have angered the HIV/AIDS activists, who say that the provisions are counter productive to the success that has been achieved with the condom advertisements. This lack of advertising of a product—the only product—that prevents sexually transmitted infections is a huge set-back to reducing the amount of people getting infected with AIDS.

When more than one third of the population is infected with AIDS, the amount of people in need of hospitalization and treatment is overwhelming. The existing hospitals, clinics, and trained health professionals in Africa are nowhere near adequate to handle the millions of people needing attention, and yet the cost of building and staffing new facilities is staggering. It was estimated that approximately $1.5 billion dollars (American) would be needed to build, staff, and maintain all the hospitals required to address the current demands (avert.org). In what few hospitals they do have in Africa, most of the hospital space is occupied with AIDS patients. The World Bank estimates that all of the hospital beds in Swaziland and Nambia are filled exclusively with AIDS patients. The shortage of beds means that the hospitals are forced to only admit the most severe cases, those who are in the later stages of illness. Unfortunately for everyone, those patients in the advanced stages of AIDS have a greatly reduced chance of recovery, as some Kenyan hospitals have discovered (avert.org), and do not survive, while others, in the earlier stages of the disease, who might seriously benefit from early treatment, cannot be seen or treated. In this situation, hard decisions need to be made. Funds and resources need to be re-allocated so that early-stage AIDS patients get the attention and treatment they need to recover. The survival of a country is at stake and normal hospital triage procedures are not going to save the lives of very many people. As they are operating now, in the midst of this AIDS pandemic, hospitals in Africa are no longer a place where lives are saved, but merely a place for people to die.

According to the Oxford World Atlas, Africa only has three doctors, or assistant doctors for every 100,000 people, this ratio is shockingly low compared to the United State’s ratio of 279 doctors / 100,000 people (the highest ratio belongs to Italy with 554 doctors/ 100,000 people). In a country with millions of virus-infected people, this lack of medical professionals puts an enormous burden on the few doctors they do have. The negative effects of stress on a person’s immune system has been well documented, and if you add to that the constant exposure to AIDS infected people, it is easily understood why the few health professions working in Africa are falling victim to the very disease they are trying to treat. For example, Malawi and Zambia are having a 5 to 6 fold increase in health-worker illness/death (Henry J Kaiser Foundation).

There are obviously no easy answers to the HIV/AIDS crisis in Africa, but there are some obvious steps that need to be taken, both to inform and educate the population at large, and to improve the accessibility and effectiveness of medical attention. This is not just Africa’s problem; it’s a world problem. We will all be affected in some way, either directly (by exposure to the virus) or indirectly (by the collapse of Africa, and the loss of a culture). People like young Ms. June Arunga, by writing and filming a documentary, and by raising awareness of AIDS in Africa through her lecture circuit all over the world, are taking the responsibility to do their part in this struggle against the killer virus. Accurate information needs to be shared, and censorship in the name of “decency” needs to be suspended so that everyone, young and old alike, can learn the basic truths about what HIV/AIDS are, how they are transmitted, and how people can protect themselves from this devastating infection.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

G-Haal and A Ride To The Movie Store

I'm relatively addicted to blogs.

Today I got out early from school and decided that since I don't have any more tests this week, that I should ride my bike to the movie store. So I got out my bike from the back of my house, unlocked it from the metal shelve, and started riding away. Something about the moving scenery makes me think. Everytime I get in a car/bus/bike/train I just sort of zone out and go into deep thinking mode. This isn't an optimal mental state for bike riding though. The fast moving cars were swirling past me like some underworld spirit, and my brain was off in some foggy space time continuum (aka the fourth dimension aka the place were the spare socks and the drivers ed books go). And guess what I was thinking about? BLOGS!

Damn those addicting and yet beautiful white boxes that are so eager to be written in. My internal typewriter was clacking away at the antique keys when it should've been paying better attention. So as the plumeria scent air brushed passed my oblivious face, I was in danger, thanks to Blogger. But sooner than I thought the final cross walk to the Aikahi center came up. I crossed the street (without getting run over!!) and cruised my way into the parking lot.

Parking lots, so I've heard, are the number one place to get hit. Thankfully my synapses were cooperating for once and I navigated my way through to Diamond Head Video. Diamond Head video store is an interesting place. The store itself is so small, but it somehow manages to fit any film the avid movie watcher may want (no matter how obscure). Though I can't compare it to netflix, it is pretty cool (plus the guys at the register are cute, which with netflix, is totally lost). My experience with netflix has been truly great for obscure indie flicks and foreign films, but it is a total WASTE for pop hits. Yuck. No offense, but it seriously does not pay to go to the mainstream movie theatres now aday. I mean, apart from the various Samuel L. films that get in there, why pay TEN dollars to get a seat?? and then ten more for food. If you go the movie museum (where they have recliners instead of seats), it's only five dollars, or the dollar theatre (for must see cringe films) where you only pay....a DOLLAR! Aikahi and Vars are only five dollars too. And you can movie hop without fear of being caught. But I digress

To make the long short, I went into the movie store, and couldn't choose between Pretty in Pink (I'm in a John Hughes jonesing phase right now), Last Temptation of Christ (David Bowie is the man), A Boy and His Dog (Don Johnson eighties film)or Day After Tomorrow (I'm in love with the G-haal). I went up to the counter and conversed with the semi-attractive movie clerk.

Chose The Boy and His Doggy
"Have you seen this movie before?"
"Nooooo, not recently...[chuckles]"
"I was just wondering because I read the back and it looked interesting [raised eye brows] but I wasn't sure about it."
"I see. Well, if you don't like it, then we can set you up with something better later"
"haha no thanks, I'm good" IDIOTIC!! Why on Earth did I say those fateful words??

I hated the movie. It stunk big time. So I rode my bike back, and the ride was long, hot, and hard. Well not really but it still was sucky having to go back.

"Umm, the movie really stank," words spoken very very very sheepishly.
"Really? That's weird. Nobody's ever had a smelly movie before," he seriously said this with a straight face
"Oh, no. I meant it was a bad film. Boring."
"I thought you were 'good'?"
"No. I'm not good. I'm very sad."
"It's ok. You'll be fine. I'll take care of you."
"Cool so I can go pick another movie?"
"Ya sure"
Aww

I chose Day After Tomorrow (Jake....ahhh)
"Hah! Another Jake Gylenhaal movie I see." says counter boy
"What?" How does he know? Does it show on my face???
"Last weekend you rented The Good Girl, Jarhead, and Moonlight Mile."
"Oh. Well, he's a cool guy."
"You can't argue with that."

How odd.

And now I forgot what the point of this post was supposed to be.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Yellowed Memories

I found some old journals while I was looking for some paper to write my APES (AP environmental science) essay on, and I thought that I would post a couple excerpts:

Old Journal One (the one that's written in a "school" notebook when the teacher isn't listening three years ago):

"The cool, fresh windblows against my chlorine dried face. When I close my eyes it feels like I could be standing in a memory from my childhood. The smell of laundry detergent, finesse shampoo, and cooking food fill my nostrils like they did before. And my heart leaps at the fast approach of summer. Lady summer who is the master of ocean salt crusted face and hair and heat rising from the skin's sunburn. Most importantly, though, the absense of school, which, for this summer, is only a pigment of my imagination."

Ahh summer.

Here is a list of wants from the same notebook:

"New converse
bikini
one peace [this is actually how I spelled it!] w/o back
anna sui eyeliner
dior mascara
mac foundation
digital camera
jeans
sun dress
keihls coconut shampoo
tight kapri's
cute running shoes
rings
plumping lipgloss"

Wow I was materialistic. Yuck, how much I have grown since then (I'm now SIXTEEN!!!)
But here is a want list from a more current journal (last year):

"What I really want:

I want to have a great figure but still eat anything I want [I love pie]
I want to understand the World and all she has to say [aww, Mother Earth]
I want to have a good relationship with my dad
I want to travel places I love and to places I've never been before
I want to see everything for what it really is
I want to DO something great [actual capitalization]
I want to have a boyfriend that respects me and understands me [doesn't everybody?]"

Then there was a rant about fake Christmas trees but it was long (albeit funny) and I don't want to type it.
Sadly, I have homework. and tests. and projects.

On a happier note I got some books for my birthday!

Here they are:
Me Talk Pretty One Day, David Sedaris
Naked, David Sedaris
Deadeye Dick, Vonnegut
Breakfast of Champions, Vonnegut
Palm Sunday, Vonnegut

I think that Vonnegut is one of my new fav author because he is cynical and perceptive and not without a sense of humour.
I think those qualities are what make a good book (which, incidently, they do), and an amusing companion.
I think that I'm too naive to see the world like that, or maybe to young.
I think I'm young, headstrong, idealistic, naive, and happy.

First step: admitting it.

Can you count to...

Daughter Nature

Daughter Nature